Yesterday, my behavior was atrocious. I am not proud. I am not a poster child for "Mom of the Year."
Do you ever have one of those days when you just want to escape your life?
That was my day.
I felt like my computer (yes, an annoyingly quirky PC) when it goes to a blue screen and you get one of those frightening messages flashing on the monitor -- "Physical Dump of Memory is Starting Now" or "A Fatal Error Has Occurred." The whole system freezes and the only escape is that handy command of "Ctrl+Alt+Delete." If only I could have done that to my own fragmented, extremely fragile psyche yesterday. Reset buttons are quite handy.
Without going into the details, I will sum the day up in a few words -- Job interviews (stressful!), clingy baby who won't stop crying, three-year-old with an attitude, extremely messy house, poop, poop, and more poop. Blah, blah, blah. The husband? He was, surprisingly, not part of yesterday's meltdown. Quite the contrary, he was extremely sympathetic, empathetic, and helpful. Strange.
His behavior, truly the calm to my storm, is probably what kept me from getting into the car and driving far, far away. Thank you, Paul.
In reality, yesterday was just another day of more of the same. There was nothing new that triggered my inability to deal with life. I guess it was the much needed release of at least a month's worth of tension. Still, I didn't cry or go into hysterics. I just was mean to my children. First, I must point out, that I am sleep deprived. Max and Abby are both waking up several times a night. Why? I don't know. (And, just to get it out there -- when someone complains, don't ask "why," or try to fix it. Really what we want is someone to listen -- that's it, just listen.) So, in addition to feeling like my head was in a fog, I snapped at Max for crying, for constantly wanting to be held. I shouted at Abby for pooping her pants (twice), for not eating her lunch, for waking her brother up, etc. Finally, she started reacting to my outbursts with complete fear. The last bout of yelling ended with her in total hysterics, literally shaking, and saying she was scared. Yes, that's when I knew I crossed the line. I was acting like a really bad mother, like a child really.
I went a long walk, listened to my i pod, and regained some composure. Still, I didn't feel normal, refreshed, or redeemed until this morning. Sleep last night came in the form of a cleansing wave. The kids, for the most part, slept through the night.
This morning, I feel like somebody pressed my reset button.